Tonight
Time is never time at
all. That’s what he said to me. I don’t even know what he meant, he just
sauntered of the way he does when he says something questionable. Fuck.
He had another gig for us. “Just one more” He pleaded.
Pathetic brown eyes digging at my heart as he lay on my chest. I exhaled, exhaled
my frustration into his face. He knew I hated the work, the business, the
industry. ‘You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth’ I
shuddered as the thought crawled through my entirety. This is what I do, have
done, what I know. Our lives are forever
changed. Rewind.
The asshole, my asshole had this “brilliant” idea. I loved
the way he bubbled over when he was excited or inspired. He explained, he
wanted us to perform. Exhibit. We’d always been like this. We say adventurous.
Others, well, others think we might be a little crazy. Maybe.
“It’s just, I have this friend, and I owe him a favor”
Okay… Internally cringing, externally blank, whilst I
listened.
“Go on...”
“He owns this club downtown. Down downtown”
This was bad. I watched as his face contradicted his cheerful
tone. My mind was mulling through all his possible friends, maybe, friend was a
euphemism…
“So what is this ‘club’” I braced myself.
“Tisafetishcluby’know”
I choked on my beer trying to decipher his gibberish. He
looked at me expectantly. A brief silence as I swallowed the idea down with my
warm beer. I stared at the rim. Gah! Rim. I’ll never look at a rim the
same. Nothing. Nothing will be the same.
We will never be the same. My mind
has already jumped to these conclusions. I haven’t even agreed yet, well not at
least to him. Quite clearly I was having lash fantasies of being bound and
gagged for the world to enjoy. Well at least I assume that’s what he means by
performing at a fetish club…
Over time I found that with performing the more you change the less you feel. I didn’t anticipate that, I
figured that, if anything I would feel everything so much more. Our
relationship intensified tenfold. Apparently not.
We discussed it for a little while longer, debating over who
puts what in where, y’know, the usual. We finally decided on something a little
more standard for our taste. Rope work. I could handle that. Sean put his boy
scout days to good use, his knots are infallible. Not that I would struggle
against them anyway. The moment he
brings out the rope, my body begins to succumb to the way he slowly wraps the
bonds in and around me. Something so standard being put to use by someone so
skilled. No, wait it’s not even being put to use as such, it’s more like… When
he starts binding me he puts himself in it, every tightening moment, every
slight bruise on the inside of my thigh, a tug underneath my breast, is him,
not the rope.
On our opening night, I was a little panicky. Stroking my
hair he was calmly mumbling “Believe,
believe in me, believe” Surprisingly soothing for how cheesy it was. I
still wasn’t sure if I was ready, I know how he says it’s for a friend, but
it’s for him as well he wants this. So the last thing I want is to disappoint
him. I think that’s what I’m the most concerned about, not the public forum in
which I will be showcasing my innermost sexuality, but disappointing my best
friend.
That life can change,
that you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same,
were different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
The words circled around the room amongst the chattering of
closet deviants… Tugging at the heavy velvet that divided us and them, I saw a
swarm of dim colors and faces. Peeking into the crowd, I felt his warm breath
chill down the back of my neck “It’s gonna be okay baby. I’m nervous too and you know you’re never sure, but I’m
sure you’ll be great.” “But I’m sure you
could be right I don’t doubt you are but still though. Fuck” And to think
I’m normally so good with words.
The song came to an end and an epic man waltzed through the
crowd and stepped onto the stage, a surprisingly normal entrance for such an
abnormal club. “If you held yourself up
to the light” He began as the crowd adjusted themselves, “What do you think
you would see? The embers never fade? Would
you see your life, your house, your wife in
your city by the lake? Would you see the
place where you were born? Well tonight ladies and gentlemen… I give to you
a couple who has held themselves there, and wish to show you what they saw.
Believe, believe in
me, believe. The mantra paced its way to and fro across my thoughts, once
and for all.
In the resolute
urgency of now
And if you believe
there’s not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright,
Tonight
We’ll crucify the
insincere tonight
We’ll make things
right, we’ll feel it all tonight
We’ll find a way to
offer up the night, tonight
The impossible is
possible tonight
Believe in me as I
believe in you, tonight.
The song ended.
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